Do I practice what I preach? When old habits die hard

Maria Arpa

Wednesday Whisper

15 August 2018

This week

Do I practice what I preach?

Plus…

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

and

the Wednesday Whisper

When old habits die hard

Being a hot headed Maltese blooded woman, I have been known for being quick to anger. It’s definitely a trait of mine that is a lifelong journey of change. It took a long time to find the learning that set me on the path to change and that learning arrived all at once, the first time I saw Marshall Rosenberg speak around 20 years ago.

One thing Marshall said about anger struck home.

“I don’t think we get angry because our needs aren’t getting met. I think we get angry because we have judgements about others. I’m not saying it is wrong to judge people…what’s important is to be conscious that it’s our judgement that makes us angry.”
Marshall Rosenberg

What I was able to do, is work on the judgement and see the truth in Marshall’s statement. The beauty of this is how it frees me from believing that anyone has the power to ‘make me angry’. In fact no one can make me feel anything. My feelings come from what I tell myself about what is happening. And, I am in charge of what I tell myself though changing what I tell myself is a long process.

Another thing; getting angry in itself is not the problem. The problem is how we behave when we are in anger. It’s one thing to remain calm and be able to say, ‘this is generating a lot of anger in me, how shall we work through it?’, it’s quite another to shout, become revengeful or cross the line in to verbal or physical violence.

And, translating this in to change within myself and the Dialogue Road Map to help others make similar changes has been my mission of the last 20 years.

I’m still on the lookout for the select group who will take the Dialogue Road Map out into the world so if you’re thinking about being part of that team please send in your application or ask for more information. Check out the link to my previous blog HERE

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

I lost my rag with a guy who came to fix my washing machine and told me it was working fine but I was using the wrong type of detergent. I noticed how everything I learned went out of the window when I wasn’t believed for what I said was happening. So, I’m thinking about that whole interaction and what I told myself in the moment; ‘he thought I was stupid, he didn’t want to move the machine to fix it, he didn’t like being asked to do something by a woman’. The big issue for me is that I raised my voice and then got a result. This is such a dilemma because I didn’t want to do that yet, I know that if I hadn’t I would not have a working washing machine.

The Wednesday Whisper

What gets you angry and what do you tell yourself about it?

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6 Comments

Chris LaHatte
Posted 6 years ago Reply

As a young child I was mostly fairly even-tempered but every now and would explode in hot rage. I consciously tried to suppress this as I grew older, but occasionally something will trigger me, like your washing machine repair person. I always feel ashamed afterwards but sometimes it seems the only way to get a result. I think that is because I am reacting emotionally rather than thinking about the issue. NVC is certainly the tool that I should be using.instead of getting angry, I should quietly assert that the other person is wrong, and explain why. If they showed no signs of changing their perspective, then I respectfully should tell them we cannot reach agreement on the issue, and move on. It is certainly a goal for these communications
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 6 years ago Reply
  
  In an ideal world we would always enter into dialogue expressing our anger or frustration as part of a conversation intended to take everyone involved to a better place. Life has taught me that things like time pressures limit the options. In the case of my washing machine guy, I had a time pressure and sensed that he would respond to a tough tone and was mistaking my politeness for weakness. I also knew he would rip me off on the price but I was willing to take that risk. So, end result, washing machine fixed there and then, well he had to go get a part, but he came back completed the job and I estimate he charged me about 25% over the odds and said he come immediately next time so it was obviously worth it to him. NVC is a great way to live, I know that Marshall Rosenberg never intended that we would become passive or laid back about getting things done. Of course there is a wider spirituality about the stupid lives we lead where we have deadlines over washing machines but that’s for another blog. I love that the NVC I learned directly from Marshall Rosenberg includes, in fact,positively encourages, being fierce.
Rebel Coach
Posted 6 years ago Reply

Anger is a really fascinating topic Maria. I once had a fearsome temper but think I lost it when I simply gave up on expecting others to “do the right thing” (what I wanted them to do!). The change has been good news for my sanity and blood pressure but I do feel some regret at having given up without finding a way to deal with the imperfect behaviour of others and myself.

On the matter of the washing machine repair guy, there can be little doubt that raising your voice was the right thing. The world is full of badly behaved bullies and confronting them loudly is often the only way to get their attention.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 6 years ago Reply
  
  Thanks Dalton, it strikes me that once we’ve been around the block a few times we begin to learn acceptance and certainly imperfect is the new perfect. I remember having very tough teachers in the Workplace. At the time I found it difficult but perseverance taught me self discipline and the importance of accuracy and it has served me well. I have strived to find ways to share this learning that are less painful for the learner. But don’t get me started on our education system.
Neil Jackson
Posted 6 years ago Reply

I’m surprised that Rosenberg gave less emphasis on one’s needs not being met seeing it is a central part of NVC. I wonder about the use of the word “judgement”. Certainly Albert Ellis in his Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, said that nobody makes you angry: it’s your reaction. But surely that reaction is fed by our personal “stuff” wherein lies our insecurities.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 6 years ago Reply
  
  Thanks, Neil for the insight. I guess that it’s our unhealed personal stuff that generates the judgements. So, if my unhealed stuff is around disappointment for being let down. I might judge someone as unreliable, untrustworthy etc when they fail to show up on time. Whereas someone who hasn’t been affected by that unhealed stuff might be able to be more compassionate when the other doesn’t turn up on time. Yes, I still haven’t let go of the washing machine guy!! He was also a day late.