Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Abuse

Maria Arpa

Wednesday Whisper

15 April 2019

This week

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Abuse

Plus…

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

and

The Wednesday Whisper

Lifting the lid.

Recently, I notice people labelling other people more and more. I am often told that ‘such and such a person’ (usually someone they are in conflict with), is a Narcissist or a Sociopath or a Psychopath. I’m usually told that they have looked it up and it’s obvious that the person fits the label and therefore it must be true. And, if that happens to be a mediation case, then, surprise, surprise the ‘accused’ person says the same thing about the other.

Over time, when working with domestic abuse, I have come to recognise a set of traits, which, coupled with a set of actions make up something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

A person with NPD:

Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Requires constant, excessive admiration
Expects to be seen as superior without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerates their achievements and talents
Has fantasies about success, power, brilliance or beauty
Believes they are elite and can only associate with equally elite people
Takes over conversations and looks down on people they believe to be inferior
Expects unquestioning compliance
Takes advantage of others
Is unable to accept the needs and feelings of others
Believe people envy them

I know people who have some of those traits but they are not abusive to others.

It becomes abusive when they have trouble handling anything that contradicts their position.

Behaviour that creates abuse is:

Becoming impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
Using threats or violence to get what they want
Forcing someone to obey ‘rules’ they create
Reacting with rage or contempt
Using put downs to make themselves appear superior
Being unable to regulate their own emotions and behaviour
Creating problems for those around them when dealing with stress and change
Having secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation which are projected onto others
Preventing their partner from seeking advice from, or enjoying time with friends and family

Many people have no idea that they are in an abusive relationship because the other side of this behaviour is ‘brainwashing’ their partner into believing that they have their best interests at heart, that no one else is on their partner’s side and that they know best how to support their partner. While researching this blog, I came across something called the Narcissist’s Prayer, if you think someone is suffering in silence, send them this. It might just provide the nudge they need to get help.

“That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did… You deserved it.”

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

I have supported many women who have suffered abuse at the hands of someone with NPD and I have been there myself. I’m thinking about how we can bring important information like this into the education system

The Wednesday Whisper

Have you ever suffered at the hands of an abusive partner or boss? How did you end it? Or are you still suffering?

Would you be willing to send this out to anyone you think might be interested in getting a little dose of mindfulness each week?

4 Comments

Joan Wilmot
Posted 6 years ago Reply

Dear Maria

I am away from home so can’t look up the quote I am sending but will do when back from holiday next week.

A narcissist is someone who has no regard for others or self I.e they abuse themselves in the same way as they abuse others.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 6 years ago Reply
  
  Thanks for that. It’s important to recognise that even though they may look as if they are ‘winning’ they are actually harming themselves as well. I’m worried about calling people Narcissists because it’s a scale, we all, to some degree, have narcissistic traits. I prefer to refer to a human as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder when those traits become abusive.
Lindsey
Posted 6 years ago Reply

I was married to somebody whose behaviour confused me. After I left them it became clearer something wasn’t right and that’s a I wasn’t to blame. 5 years and 2 mediators later I realised I had experienced abuse and that this person has NPD.

For years I had tried to rationalise, reason, be fair, recommend mediation. Both mediators suggested to me that they could not continue to mediate as my former partner was not truly cooperating or being truthful. It was then my eyes opened.

I have watched them go on to do the same to others. I have heard some very creative storytelling about their past and former partners, including myself.

I’m not bitter about it. I do wonder why nobody intervened to help sooner, when I changed, became depressed, anxious and stopped going out. The signs of abuse were clear. People tell me ‘ didn’t want to interfere’.

I wish this person could be prevented from hurting others. I also know this is out of my hands.

I hope people with NPD partners can find the strength and self belief to step away sooner, rather than later. And that anyone suspecting they might be NPD seek help, so they can gain insight.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 6 years ago Reply
  
  Thank you for sharing your story. Professionals are always taught that with the exception of safeguarding for children and vulnerable adults we should not intervene unless a person asks for help. This is backed up by society’s statements like ‘mind your own business’. But here’s the problem, by the time a person asks for help they have done half the work and suffered for a very long time. I now wonder whether, in fact, we can make it OK to intervene. Certainly since this issue became apparent in my family, I am wondering what would have happened if I’d asked better quality questions earlier on and insisted on being given answers. The problem is that often the person being abused has no idea they are being abused because the abuser convinces them that they are the problem so they become ashamed and don’t want to tell anyone. I’m so glad you came to understand what you have been through and I wish you could have known sooner. Oh and as for the re-writing of history, I have personal experience of that.