Talking to the other person
- Speaking face to face is probably the best approach so you can work towards a solution. Remember that they might not be expecting you so their initial reaction may be embarrassment or shock. If you notice the person is taken aback, it might be better just to agree another time to talk about it.
- You may prefer to write a letter or send an email or text, but the meaning or tone of words can easily be misunderstood. On the other hand, a polite note may give them time to reflect on a response especially if you explain that this is your reason for writing.
- Choose your time. Choose a time when you will both have time to talk. When you are both rushing out may not be the best time, nor late at night, nor when you are feeling most frustrated about the issue, nor at any family gathering and especially when alcohol is in the mix.
- Whatever approach you choose, remember that a problem takes time to build up. It is rarely possible to really solve a problem in one conversation. Even if you think it is unfair, problems take time and goodwill on all sides to resolve.
- Stay calm. Even if you do not like or agree with the way the other person responds to you, try to stay calm. Getting angry will not help.
- Before you begin with the problem, clearly state that your intention is to find a workable solution for both of you.
- Remember that just because you believe something it doesn’t mean it is the truth.
- Explain exactly what the problem is, and how it affects you.
For example:
“When you swear and raise your voice, I go into shock and can’t respond”
“When you give me feedback, I get stressed and anxious, can you help me with that?”
- Listen to what the other person has to say. Think about what they are saying, and their point of view. Better results can be achieved if both sides understand the other person’s situation.
- Stick to the issue in hand. Try not to get side tracked onto other issues. Try not to bring up incidents from the past.
- Be positive. Try to think of solutions to the problem that might satisfy you both. The other person is not likely to be responsive if you are simply giving them an order to change their behaviour without any consideration for their situation.
- If the other person is not positive or not responsive, you may be better to ask if you can both think about the problem and have another meeting. Many people do not respond well when they feel under pressure. Giving them time to ‘sleep on it’ may produce a better response.
- It is also helpful to come up with ideas and solutions which can be discussed as possibilities:
For example:
“Would it be ok for you if we agree a level at which you can play your music that does not disturb me?”
“Is there a way you can give feedback so I can give you my full attention? ”
If you sense any escalation on either side, politely and firmly end the conversation and leave:
For example:
“Okay, I can see this is upsetting you and that is not my intention. My intention is only to sort something out. Let’s leave it for now and maybe we can address it another time.”
“I didn’t expect that we would find it difficult to discuss this, so let’s leave it for now and perhaps we can pick this up when we’ve both had time to reflect”
“I’m wondering if I picked a bad time to discuss this. I know how busy you are?”
- Do not end the meeting with any tone of hostility.
If you cannot imagine remaining calm or listening to the other person, if just thinking about the problem or the person sets you off or if you can only imagine the other person as bad or wrong, you probably need a Dialogue Road Map Facilitator.