Maria Arpa
This week…
What Conflict Is Really Asking
With..
David Ellis
In this episode of All Things Conflict, I was delighted to welcome back my husband, David Ellis, a seasoned mediator, to explore what really happens beneath the surface of conflict resolution.
One of the biggest themes for me was simple: the mediator matters.
We can have all the right techniques and frameworks, but if we are depleted, triggered or disconnected from ourselves, it becomes much harder to hold a difficult conversation safely and effectively.
Self-care isn’t a luxury. It is part of the work.
Preparation changes everything
David shared some powerful examples of investing three to five hours in individual pre-mediation sessions, sometimes unpaid, before bringing people together.
That time can be transformative.
It allows people to express their fears, build trust, clarify what they actually need and identify the things that might trigger them.
By the time everyone enters the room, the relationship with the mediator has already begun.
Good preparation can make difficult conversations possible.
Looking beneath the anger
We also explored what happens when conflict becomes explosive.
Anger can be intimidating, but what if we see it as a dire expression of an unmet need or a defence against something more vulnerable underneath?
That doesn’t mean accepting harmful behaviour.
It means becoming curious about what the anger might be telling us.
Fear, grief, shame, loss and powerlessness can all sit beneath the surface.
When we understand that, we can respond differently.
Knowing when to pause
David shared vulnerable stories about situations where the dynamics became so intense that he had to stop and reconsider whether continuing was appropriate.
That takes courage.
There can be enormous pressure to make mediation work, but sometimes the most responsible thing we can do is pause, step back or even end the process.
Our own internal response is important information.
If we’re becoming overwhelmed, defensive or disconnected, we need to pay attention.
A simple question can change the room
When a conversation starts escalating, sometimes the most powerful intervention is simply to stop and ask:
“Is this conversation working for you?”
It gives everyone a chance to step out of the momentum of conflict and reconnect with what they actually want from the process.
For me, that is the essence of good conflict resolution: staying human while creating enough safety for others to do the same.
What I hope you take away
Whether you’re a professional mediator or simply trying to navigate difficult conversations in your own life, this episode offers a practical reminder that conflict resolution begins with preparation, self-awareness and boundaries.
We don’t have to tolerate everything to hold space for someone.
And we don’t have to fix every conflict to make a difference.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is prepare well, stay present, listen beneath the anger — and know when it’s time to pause.
🎙️Listen to this episode of All Things Conflict with David and me, and join the conversation about what it really takes to navigate conflict with humanity and courage.
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