Repair Before Progress

One of the reasons I keep inviting Paul Baker back to All Things Conflict is that every conversation with him leaves me looking at conflict through a completely different lens.

In our fourth conversation together, Paul returns with a deceptively simple idea that has profound implications for how we approach conflict, justice, relationships and repair.

Less worse. Then more better.

At first glance, it sounds obvious. But as we explored together, most of us instinctively try to do the opposite.

We rush towards solutions. We look for silver linings. We want to move on. We want things to feel better.

Yet Paul argues that when we skip over the harm, the hurt or the unresolved tension, we’re often building on unstable foundations. The conflict may appear to disappear, but it hasn’t actually been completed. Instead, it remains alive beneath the surface, waiting to re-emerge in future interactions.

Why So Many Conflicts Never Really End

One of the most powerful themes in our discussion was the idea that many people never fully complete a conflict.

We often settle for temporary relief rather than genuine resolution. We smooth things over, change the subject, avoid difficult conversations or convince ourselves that enough time has passed.

But unresolved conflict has a way of resurfacing.

Whether it’s within families, workplaces, communities or even nations rebuilding after war, what remains unaddressed often finds another route back into the system.

This is why Paul places such importance on dealing with what is “less worse” before pursuing what is “more better.” Until the damage is acknowledged and understood, attempts at improvement can become little more than a distraction.

The Missing Role of the Third Party

Another idea that resonated deeply with me was Paul’s perspective on the role of an independent third party.

When two people are locked in conflict, each is naturally focused on their own experience and perspective. Neither can easily see the wider system they’re operating within.

A skilled third party isn’t there to take sides.

They’re there because they care about the health of the whole system.

Whether in mediation, restorative justice, couples therapy or organisational leadership, this person can help hold the space, reduce escalation and create the conditions for people to hear each other differently.

Paul describes this as someone who can “hold the guardrails” while those directly involved do the difficult work of navigating the relationship.

When Positivity Becomes Avoidance

One of the more provocative parts of our conversation centred on what Paul calls “fake positive psychology.”

We live in a culture that often encourages us to focus relentlessly on positivity, gratitude and moving forward. While these can be valuable practices, they can also become ways of avoiding difficult emotions.

Conflict inevitably involves loss.

Sometimes people need space to grieve, to feel disappointed, angry, hurt or confused before they’re ready to rebuild.

If we deny those experiences in the name of staying positive, we risk creating another layer of avoidance.

Healing isn’t always comfortable.

In fact, genuine repair often requires us to stay with discomfort long enough to understand what it has to teach us.

Symptoms or Root Causes?

Paul illustrates this beautifully through a simple analogy.

Imagine someone develops a skin irritation.

You can keep applying cream to relieve the symptoms, and that may offer temporary comfort. But if the irritation is being caused by something deeper, the problem will continue to return until the underlying cause is addressed.

Conflict works in much the same way.

Many interventions focus on managing symptoms, reducing tension, improving communication or restoring calm. While these can be helpful, lasting change often requires us to investigate what sits beneath the surface.

• What is driving the conflict?
• What needs remain unmet?
• What harm has not yet been acknowledged?

Only then can meaningful repair begin.

Seeing Both the Detail and the Whole

A recurring thread throughout our discussion was the importance of systemic awareness.

Sometimes we need to zoom in and pay close attention to the details of a particular interaction. At other times, we need to zoom out and understand the larger system in which that interaction exists.

The challenge is knowing when each perspective is needed.

Too much focus on detail can cause us to lose sight of broader patterns.

Too much focus on the big picture can mean overlooking the very real human experiences that need attention.

The art lies in moving between both.

A Conversation About Justice, Repair and Human Relationships

This episode forms part of our ongoing Justice Redesigned series, where we’re exploring how restorative approaches to conflict, harm and accountability might reshape not only our justice systems but also our personal and professional relationships.

As always, Paul brings philosophical depth combined with practical wisdom. Our conversation ranges from couples and teams to restorative justice and post-war reconstruction, but at its heart is a simple question:

What happens when we stop rushing towards “better” and instead take the time to make things less worse first?

🎧If you work in mediation, leadership, therapy, coaching, justice or community building, or if you’re simply interested in understanding the deeper patterns beneath conflict, I think you’ll find this conversation both challenging and inspiring.