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Maria Arpa

Wednesday Whisper

18 September 2019

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The Wednesday Whisper

Charity begins at home. So does violence.

My blogs on the topic of domestic violence generate the fewest responses. It makes no sense because this is the biggest problem we face in our society. If our families are not functioning or healthy we cannot expect society to function well and when one in four women experience domestic violence this means it is very likely that someone in your family and friendship groups is likely to be suffering in silence right now.

Of course, I can play to the audience and ignore the topic because my readers seem disinterested or I can work harder to get your attention.

Here are some sobering facts:

The number of people killed as a result of domestic violence in the UK is at its highest level in five years. Last year, 173 people were killed in domestic violence-related murders, an increase of 32 deaths on 2017.
In England and Wales, approximately three-quarters of victims of domestic killings by a partner, ex-partner or family member were women, and suspects are predominantly male.
The costs of domestic violence to the public purse across England is a minimum of £5 million each week in every region putting it at £5.5billion per annum:

£1.6bn for physical and mental health costs
£1.2bn in criminal justice costs
£268m in social services costs
£185.7m in housing and refuge costs
£366.7m in civil legal costs
£1.8bn in lost economic output

One in four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime

In one year, 1.2 million women reported experiences of domestic abuse in England and Wales

The cap on the number of violent crimes published is set at five per victim, so if a woman experienced 100 incidents of domestic violence, only five would make it into the official data. Research shows that if the cap were removed, the number of incidents of domestic violence would increase by approximately 70%.

One in five children are exposed to domestic abuse

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

I ask myself what is it we’re not teaching our children? Then I wonder whether domestic abuse is so rife that it would be almost impossible to design it out of our children because they repeat what they see modelled no matter how much we teach them something different.

The Wednesday Whisper

Is this so big a topic that it is overwhelming to imagine how to deal with it?

Would you be willing to send this out to anyone you think might be interested in getting a little dose of mindfulness each week?

4 Comments

Anthony Jack
Posted 5 years ago Reply

Hi Maria,

Thank you for bringing this data to my attention. I am greatly grieved by the staggering amount of domestic violence being perpetrated, and overwhelmingly against women.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 5 years ago Reply
  
  Hi Anthony
  Good to hear from you. Must catch up. Loads to share.
  Maria
Neil Jackson
Posted 5 years ago Reply

I think there are several reasons why you get low responses to DV posts. First, this is a subject that is close to your experience and readers may be concerned about touching something in you when responding.

Second, the professionals these days use the term domestic abuse, so it covers mental abuse as well. It is important that people recognise that it doesn’t have to be a slap or a push. This is an area where perpetrators may not even realise what they are doing. Families often have an internal dynamic of teasing and arguing that may later be extended to relationships..

Third, We need to know and understand what is going on with the perpetrators and too a lesser extent the victims (I’m going to get accused of blaming the victim). You have often said that you have felt frustrated when working with DV projects as they are run by “angry women”. I suspect these days you identify with that anger a lot more. What is going on in the heads of most people is personal insecurity. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being alone. The man who told his girlfriend “If you don’t marry me I’ll kill myself”. The woman who in the safety of a refuge accepts the promises of her violent partner and gives him the address of the refuge.
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 5 years ago Reply
  
  Thank Neil
  You make some good points. I sincerely hope you are not accused of blaming victims because, in my experience of you, nothing is further from the truth. You raise two things about me.
  
  Firstly, that readers, by now, know there has been an issue within my family and, if that does create nervousness about responding then I’d like everyone to hear that I really want to take about it out loud.
  
  Silence perpetuates violence.
  
  Secondly, your interpretation about projects being run by ‘angry’ women and my identifying with that anger with the experience I now have. I’d like to reply to that. I have some experience, not only in the UK, of victim support projects being run by people who are angry towards men. So while I have the sense of anger as a parent and bystander affected by the issue, I’m clear that in my role as Founder of Peaceful Solutions, that anger has no place. As you know I work with perpetrators and victims and these situations need people who can use their experiences to inform the solutions and, at the same time, not use their experiences to work out their own grief whether through anger, sympathy or action.
  
  Hope this makes sense.
  
  Always good to hear from you.
  
  Maria