A conversation to have with yourself…..

Maria Arpa

Wednesday Whisper

31 July 2019

This week

A conversation to have with yourself…..

Plus…

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

and

The Wednesday Whisper

…about giving to others

I was talking to someone the other day about caring for an elderly relative. He was weighing up the value of what he is doing. On the one hand, he wants to be there right to the end and ensure this relative has everything they need to see out their days as comfortably as possible and was enjoying the sense of giving selflessly. On the other hand he wanted to check that in making this gift of time he didn’t find he had lost sight of his own well-being.

As he described his thoughts, I said this;

‘The most sustainable way to handle this is to look inside yourself, decide the most you can give in service of another person freely and with a good heart, and give no more.’

This is a simple measure that ensures authenticity and a true gift. It’s easy to explain to others and can’t really be argued with. When we give more than we can give freely and with a good heart, someone, somewhere will pay for it.

Maria’s Midweek Mindfulness

One of my biggest transformations was understanding what I choose to give freely, giving it with a good heart and being able to find the boundary and explain it clearly.

The Wednesday Whisper

If you asked yourself the question about what you can give freely and with a good heart, what would you do differently?

Are you interested in participating in a year-long training or do you know anyone you can pass this onto?

And, as ever, would you be willing to send this out to anyone you think might be interested in getting a little dose of mindfulness each week?

2 Comments

Minna Bruce
Posted 5 years ago Reply

I read this when you wrote it and really wanted to reply then and there.. but for 2 reasons I waited to write a reply..
ONE was because I was just too busy and had no free head space to put my words together at that point in time.. and TWO because I wanted to sit with what you said here and see if I grew to accept it any more readily or if I stayed in a place of disagreement with your message.
I half expected to just forget about it as life moved on.. but I haven’t so I thought I ought to try to express what it made me feel as I read this blog 3 weeks ago.
I’m not used to disagreeing with what Maria Arpa writes and I’m certainly not confident to find the turn of phrase to defend my thinking.. but maybe I don’t disagree.. maybe I just find it draws out a feeling of “BUT HANG ON… IT’S NOT THAT EASY”.

To say that ‘The most sustainable way to handle this is to look inside yourself, decide the most you can give in service of another person freely and with a good heart, and give no more.’ sounds sensible.. almost clinical.. but in the situation of looking after a parent who has become frail and lonely and utterly vulnerable surely it may be the heart that pushes you to give more time, more support and more of yourself than is ‘sustainable’.
What drove me was that there would be a time beyond that giving when they had gone.. died.. that I could then look to repairing and mending myself and whatever damage I had done by giving everything I had for 10 years.. and actually I feel that I have mended stronger and healthier BECAUSE I made them a priority and even though I gave at a cost to myself.
I am resolute and comfortable in myself that I couldn’t have done better or given more.. and that feels good.
It’s not about the danger of feeling guilty if I had done less.. it’s about the sense of service and giving ..to make someones remaining years as good as you can.
Maybe it’s quite a selfish giving really because now I am thriving on knowing I couldn’t have done more!
I hope the essence of what I’m trying to say comes through..
Sometimes if you give beyond what you feel you can, you totally unexpectedly receive something.. something intangible.. and difficult to explain!
- Maria Arpa
  Posted 5 years ago Reply
  
  Ahhh so we agree. If the most you can give from your heart and head are different then the ‘mediation’ is within yourself between the different parts of yourself. The phrase sounds easy if you treat it clinically but actually getting to the point of knowing what you can give with a good heart may be an ongoing process, might fluctuate daily or even hourly and may require us to have support for ourselves in order to continue. The essence is not to become self sacrificing or blaming of another person’s demands on us. Thanks, Minna for your useful unpacking of the blog post.